I can't

In 2018, in honor of the recent death of filmmaker Robert Todd, filmmakers were asked if they wanted to shoot a roll of 16mm film that would be played at his memorial. Since Rob and I were close friends and collaborators, it made sense to me to try to connect with him, one more time, in this way.  While shooting the roll of film only a month after his passing, I put a lot of pressure on myself, I was deep in grief, and I had no patience. I shot the film and sent the roll to Boston. All of the films were shown on loop at the memorial, but I kept missing my film. I didn’t see it until almost a year later when I finally got the negative back and had it transferred. When I was finally able to watch it, all of the intense emotions came back to me and I knew I wanted to make a film that contrasted the surface of the grieving process with its frightening and ugly depth.

I shot one roll of 16mm film. What you see in I can’t is exactly what I shot, in order, on that day. As I played back the film in Premiere Pro, I would stop it and add my thoughts, memories, and feelings as text on screen.

About a year and a half. I shot the film, didn’t see it for a year, edited it in the Fall of 2019 and then finally worked up the courage to share it in early 2020.